It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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