by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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