So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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