I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize