I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
