Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
You've changed since you got that strap on
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