I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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