you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
i think im in europe. pls send help
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
