I could make wine with my vomit
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
