In America we eat man semen.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
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