True but thats because hes a fetus.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
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