I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
