My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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