dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Randomize
