I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
