you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
