well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i just sent this text using only my big toe
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
