just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
