Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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