Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
this must be what syphilis tastes like
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
