Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
