Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
