True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I need a hoe opinion
go on
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
