So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
