I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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