halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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