3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
