wanna go halves on a baby?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
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