Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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