WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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