I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Randomize
