My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize