that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
