I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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