Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize