Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
my phone needs a breathalizer
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
It's shark week go big or go home
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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