Rock
Scissors
Fuck
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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