I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
