I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
