I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
