He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
