every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
