She said her name was "party"
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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