evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
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