Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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