my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
