Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
