Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
