I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
