I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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