i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Randomize
