I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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