: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
