I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Congratulations! We have a period
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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