I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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