This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
