my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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