Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize