My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
