do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
