hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
