why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
did i walk over a car last night?
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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