remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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