Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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