You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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