Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
