drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Operation Purity has been aborted
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
